i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
