Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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