I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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