There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
