I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
