im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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