The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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