please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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