just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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