I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
