Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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