so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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