I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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