my mouth tastes like poor choices
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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