Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
