I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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