I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
