I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize