PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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