You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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