I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
