My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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