Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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