just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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