Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
