Got a toothbrush?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
