it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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