i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
