There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
How does it feel to date your dad?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
