now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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