There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
