Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
