omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize