He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
