Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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