R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
