We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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