and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
