I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
