if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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