The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Randomize
