i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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