the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i think my mom watched the whole time
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize