before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
