he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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