Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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