Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
