The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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