I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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