I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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