I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
