would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You ruined the universe
Randomize