I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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