Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
