Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Let's get the cat blown out
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
