what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
