She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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