I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
