So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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