Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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